


Baby Steps

by ecofriendlyalien



Category: Game Grumps, Good Game (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Good Game, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Slow Burn, its as slowburn as it can get in two chapters yall im trying, rylex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 10:29:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14054967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ecofriendlyalien/pseuds/ecofriendlyalien
Summary: Two bros~ Chilling in their apartment~ Kissing on the couch cus' they're not gay!Alex says I love you too much and they both think the other hates each other, enjoy!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo, I'll keep this short. 
> 
> Content warnings!! Alcohol use, kissing while under intoxication (consentually!), internalized homophobia
> 
> Also I know this is super out of character and also terrible, but I am 100% using these characters as a way of dealing with my own bullshit so get off my back Bro

Ryland wouldn't say his best friend was terrible at video games. Alex had his skill-set for sure. He could play RPG's, he liked Nintendo, old-school shooters, and arcade games.  
But FPS's and MOBA's? Forget it. He was terrible at shooting while moving, and he could never remember what button did which. Sometimes it was endearing to watch him fumble his way through a game he ultimately lost at. Sometimes it was irritating because he didn't seem to take it seriously. Mostly it was the former. 

Like right now, Alex was holding a controller in one hand, a beer in the other. His character in-game unmoving as he fumbled to keep his controller in his hand. 

"Which-ah.. Which butt'n do I press again?" 

"Top button, Alex. No- no, now you're crouching again." 

"How do I uncrouch?" 

"Press the button you just pressed." 

"I tried that!" Alex replied indignantly. 

"No here let me-" Ryland reached over and pressed the B button on the Xbox controller and the character was back in an upright position. 

"Maybe you would be better at playing if you used both your hands to play the game." 

"But if I did that how would I hold m' beer?" 

Alex was smiling, a big wide goofy smile that gave away that he really didn't care if he was winning or losing. He was just happy, drunk, sprawled out on the couch while the timer for the game clicked down. 

Finally he put down the beer. 

"Okay, serious playing time." He mumbled, furrowing his brow in exaggerated concentration. 

His character ran into battle, alone, and was- Immediately killed.  
Alex let out a dumb laugh and dropped the controller dramatically, ignoring the fact that his character had already respawned. He reached over, grabbing the bottle of beer of the coffee table and took a long drink. 

Ryland had already grabbed the controller from the place Alex had thrown it. He started playing, changing the character to one he was better at, and like magic, his team finally got the upper-hand. 

"You're so good at this stuff it's ridiculous." Alex said. His praise was genuine, of course it was, it was Alex. Ryland had never heard him fake nice to anyone. Even terrible people Alex would always find some good quality about them. Still, Ryland felt nothing but mild irritation at the comment, irritation and maybe something else, but whatever the "else" was he ignored it.

"Ridiculously sad you mean." Ryland replied, he was trying to joke but his tone was dry. It came out harsher than he meant it to and he flashed a glance over to Alex who was frowning. 

"No, I mean you're amazin' and talented and I love you."

"Wow, you really are drunk." The words had made Rylands face heat up and his stomach tie itself in knots. But just like with that 'else' he pushed it down. Instead frowning deeply. He had to act chill, nothing was wrong, it didn't feel like Alex was gut punching him every time he complimented him, this was fine. 

"Uh, yeah, but I speak the truuuth, man. You seriously are talented, you're my best friend and I love you." He kept repeating his declaration of love, obvious that he was going to keep repeating it until Ryland returned his affection.

Ryland kept his eyes focused on the TV, ignoring Alex's praise because every word he said made Rylands throat tighten up. He knew Alex was just being nice, and he was drunk, whatever little filter Alex usually had was completely gone the second he started drinking. 

But every time Alex said he loved him Ryland actually wanted to die, because he knew Alex only saw him as a friend. His best friend. Alex saw him as a roommate, nothing more. Alex didn't even like guys. And they were both guys. So whatever fucked up feelings Ryland was having needed to stop. 

"Sure." He replied curtly. 

"You okay buddy?" Alex questioned, instantly concerned at Rylands tone. 

Rylands eyes softened and he sighed as he watched the screen turn bright red, a huge 'defeat' in all caps flashed across the screen.  
He left the server, letting out another shaky breath as he set down the controller. 

"I'm fine, just tired." 

He didn't meet Alex's eye, he knew if he did then Alex's big eyes would break him. 

"Oh... Okay... Ya' sure?" Alex's voice was soft and worried. Even while it was heavy and sloppy from intoxication he still managed to sound like a concerned puppy whenever Ryland even hinted that he was upset. 

Finally he looked over and noticed Alex was fiddling with the beer can label, eyes firmly placed on Ryland. He was obviously nervous and Ryland felt a sting of guilt. He had caused this, caused Alex's worried state. This is why he should just act fine all the time, then he wouldn't be such an emotional burden to Alex. 

"Really dude I'm fine. It's just gettin' late yaknow?" 

"Sure.. Just.. You can talk to me okay? I love you." 

"Sure." 

Ryland couldn't say I love you back, if he did he might break. He could already feel his legs going numb with anxiety and his head swirling as his chest felt like it was being filled with water. 

"Do you uh.. want to go to sleep or you could stay out here and watch a movie with me.. I was gonna Rocky, you know I never finished it.. so." 

Alex was stumbling over his words, they came out quick and it was obvious he didn't want to be alone. He was very clearly sobering up, his worry enough to negate the effects of the beer he had been drinking.  
Fine, Alex needed him. He bit back his emotions like he always did and sucked it up. 

He agreed to stay out for a while to watch the movie, but said he probably was going to go to sleep soon. Alex's smile at his response was enough to make the shitty feelings worth it. 

Soon enough they were in the middle of watching Rocky and Alex had already started drinking again. His eyes getting heavier and heavier with every drink he took, he probably didn't want to fall asleep. Ryland knew he had issues with sleeping and nightmares that he never wanted to talk about. This made his stomach tangle in knots and he felt like he needed to say something, but Ryland had never ever been good at comforting people. Let alone even starting the conversation into comforting someone. 

He just focused on the movie, only taking quick glances at Alex. And... Was he just imagining it or was Alex staring at him back? Maybe it was a trick of the eye, or maybe Alex was just spaced out. But Ryland could have swore he had looked over a few times to stare at Alex only to find Alex was already staring at him. His eyes quickly adverted to the TV, but there was little doubt in his mind that he was. 

Why? Ryland felt his heart swell and he bit his tongue, trying to ignore the frustration and sadness that were pooling in his chest. But soon he didn't have to worry about that because suddenly Alex had flopped over and started resting his head on Rylands shoulder.

Thank God it was dark in this room because Rylands face lit up. 

"Tired?" He questioned. 

Alex looked up, his eyes lazy and it was fairly obvious that he was very drunk. 

"Kinda." He replied, and he gave Ryland a big goofy grin.  
"Ya' know, I meant it when I sssaid you were my besssst frien'." He let out a small laugh, "and I meant it when I said I loved you." 

Rylands heart was racing as he stared into Alex's eyes. Just as suddenly as he had flopped onto him, he got off. It was short lived because now he had wrapped his arms around Ryland, swaying him back and forth. 

"Come on dude get off me." Ryland protested, but he didn't push it. He didn't actually want Alex to stop touching him, in fact if he could touch him more Ryland would not complain. But he was getting more and more anxious with every passing moment.

"Rylandddd-" He whined, "I love you." He repeated. 

"Love you too buddy." Ryland replied flatly. He had to remove himself from all emotion, if he broke down now then everything would be fucked. He couldn't let his stupid crush effect his friendship with Alex. He tried to nudge Alex off him but it was no use, Alex was clinging to him, smiling like a damn fool. 

Rylands heart clenched, pain hitting him like a bullet. 

Quickly he looked away, his heart was pounding and his face was beet red. He moved his legs out of the criss-cross position, ready to get up and leave-

Suddenly he felt Alex shift, and then he felt a light pressure on his cheek which caused his face to somehow get hotter. He realized Alex had just kissed his cheek. 

He turned, facing Alex who, now that he was really looking, also had bright red cheeks. 

"Alex wh-" Ryland had started, confusion striking him dumb. But his words were cut short as Alex placed another kiss on him. This time on his lips. 

And that was it, that was all it took to break years of bottling this shit up. It broke down every wall he had built and he was kissing him back, he wanted to fucking cry- His kisses were just as wonderful as he had imagined. 

The taste of alcohol was hardly a problem, the problem was that Ryland couldn't get close enough to Alex to feel okay- Years of shoving this down was coming to the surface and he just wanted to keep kissing Alex until they both died right there. He reached up and ran his fingers through Alex's hair, desperate for more contact. 

And Alex was definitely kissing him back, and that was the best, and the worst, part about this. Soon reality came crashing down as he realized what was really happening- He reached out and pushed Alex away. 

Alex's eyes fluttered open and he looked at Ryland, and the shock of what he had just done was very plainly showing on his face. Yeah, that was the expression Ryland thought he was going to see. Disgust, betrayal- He felt sick to his stomach. 

"Don't, you don't have to do this-" Ryland sounded pathetic, his voice cracked ever so slightly and he realized he was going to start crying. Fuck- Fuck this. Why couldn't Alex hate him like everyone else hated him. 

"Do what?" Alex looked hurt and that lump in Rylands throat grew tighter. 

"I didn't ask for this- I didn't ask to be anything more than your friend can you please just-" He was shaking and he felt like he was going to start choking. 

"I'm going to bed. Night Alex." 

Ryland stood up and walked into his room, shutting the door behind him. He closed his eyes to let everything process, and then he curled in on himself. His back slid down the door and he clung to himself like if he let go he would fall apart. But he was already falling apart, shaking and letting out broken sobs. Thank god he was a silent crier because he was choking so badly on his own mangled breath that if he would have been letting out noise he would have been fucked. 

This was too much. He just wanted to fucking sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings: vomiting/emetophobia, a lot of crying and out of character-ness   
> like i said, i am using these characters to deal with my own issues so they are super out of character ANYWAY enjoy

Alex had stumbled into their tiny apartment at 2am, it was a Tuesday night and usually Ryland and Alex would stay home.   
Watch a movie, or tv, something along those lines. 

It was a ritual they had, and nothing seemed to be out of the usual that night. Yet Alex hadn't came to get Ryland out of his room yet like he usually did. Curious as to where he was Ryland had gone to check the living room. Come to find Alex wasn't there. Instead a note laid on his bed. 

"hey buddy  
not feeling   
great gonna hit the bar   
raincheck on the movie?   
i'll pay for pizza next time 

-alex" 

The words were written in quick chicken scratch that might have been illegible for anyone except Ryland. 

Ryland felt his stomach clench with worry. Since he was alone he didn't try and hide it nearly as much as he would have around others. Instead he reached for his phone and immediately called Alex. 

No response. 

He redialed the number.

 

One more time. 

Straight to voicemail. 

Ryland felt sick, was Alex ignoring him? Was he hurt? Alex never ignored Ryland. If anything, even if he was drunk, at this point he would have been bombarding Ryland with drunk texts.   
A million thoughts ran through his mind but he pushed them deep down into his throat. 

His aching chest knawed at him. He had to tell himself he was fine, Alex was an adult. A stupid man-child, but an adult nonetheless. He could take care of himself.   
Still, Ryland couldn't help but worry. 

He watched the clock, 9pm turned to 10pm, turned to 2am.   
He never turned on the movie he had been planning on watching, just anxiously watched his phone.

Finally, around 2am, the doorhandle to the front door started moving. Ryland shot up, standing to his feet suddenly made the blood rush to his head causing him to become very dizzy. Ignoring that he made his way to the door.   
It jiggled a few times, he heard Alex swear, and then he heard the sound of jingling keys as Alex fumbled to find the right one. 

Before any key could be inserted Ryland had already unlocked the door, swinging it open and frowning at Alex like a mom who just caught her son out past curfew. 

Alex didn't seem to notice his upset expression though, instead he grinned widly at Ryland. 

"Hey buddy!" He greeted 

His huge puppy-dog eyes were puffy and red, but Alex looked so happy that Rylands anger immediately faded into relief. It was weird though, even though Alex's eyes were red Ryland couldn't smell any weed on him, that was confusing. He couldn't linger on the thought for too long before Alex's smile left his face as he covered his mouth, pushed past Ryland, and ran for the bathroom.

Ryland followed promptly behind, watching his best friend kneel over the toilet where he promptly vomited a slurry of brown and clear liquid. He kneeled beside him, pulling back Alex's long curly hair so he wouldn't get in his mouth. 

Alex sat there coughing, gagging, and making odd sobbing noises as he was repeatedly sick over and over.   
Ryland could do nothing but sit there and hold his hair back and wait for it to over.   
Soon it was and Alex looked up at Ryland with the saddest expression Ryland had ever seen. His chest clenched and he felt his heart drop into his stomach, the words he said next came fast, he didn't even think before he said them. 

"Alex I think you have a problem." 

Ryland immediately regretted his words because however sad he had thought Alex looked was now doubled. Alex looked as if he had just been struck. The watering at the corner of his eyes now formed into full tears and Ryland noticed he had dug his nails into his wrist, the skin turning ghost white. 

"I don' have a problem, Ry I'm fine, s'fine." He forced a shaky smile.

"You're not fine, you just vomited for ten minutes after drinking on a Tuesday night." 

Now that Ryland had started he couldn't turn back now. Fuck it, he was worried, he had noticed how much Alex was drinking. Every night he reeked of alcohol, and if he wasn't drunk he was high. He was losing weight, and hardly sleeping. Ryland knew Alex was getting bad again and he was worried. 

"Sssso judgy, look at judgey Jason, being all judgey n'shit."

That was all Alex could get out before he looked away, forcefully vomiting once again into the toilet. Now the weird sobbing noises Alex had been making were real sobs, shaking and choking. He laid over the toilet, tears streaming from his eyes as he covered his mouth trying to stifle his sobs. 

Ryland hated seeing him like this, his throat was tight with sadness he was holding back for Alex's sake. He wanted to scream, couldn't Alex see he was destroying himself? How could he do this? How could he be so selfish that he would throw away everything they had worked for. For what?   
Alex was the most positive loving person Ryland knew, why did he want to waste away like this. What did he have to be so sad about? 

Ryland knew he had some issues but Alex never talked about them, instead he would always turn the conversation around to-   
"No Ryland, how are *you* doing?" 

For someone who preached openness Alex sure didn't like to practice what he preached. 

So many questions wracked at Rylands brain, but he was interrupted by Alex's hiccuping voice. 

"I'm- I'm sorry. I'm-" Hiccup "-s' sorry." He choked out between sobs. 

Rylands face softened and he reached out to grab Alex's hand. 

Immediately Alex pulled back, flinching away as if Ryland was going to attack him and he held his hand protectively to his chest which was rapidly rising up and down in unstable breaths. 

Ryland slowly moved back, "hey, dude it's okay, I didn't mean it-" a lie "-It's going to be okay.. Do you want me to g-?"

"Please don't, don't l-leave" Alex looked panicked, his eyes widened in fear and it made Ryland realize why his eyes were red earlier- he had been crying.

Ryland felt guilt pang his chest, shit, he was really not good at comforting people. How did people do this so easily?? Ryland felt like he was walking on a minefield. Still he remained calm and again, slowly reached out to grab Alexs hand. Alex didn't pull away this time, instead he scooted forward, burying his face in Ryland chest. 

Alex reaked of alcohol and vomit, and Ryland could feel his chest becoming wet with tears. He reached up and began stroking Alex's mess of hair. They sat there for minutes, Alex shaking so badly with sobs that Ryland was getting dizzy. He cried- harder than Ryland had ever seen him cry and he felt like his heart was breaking into a million pieces. 

He loved Alex, he loved him so much it made him hate himself. Every time Alex said he loved him he felt like he was being gut punched over and over, he was the best thing that had ever happened to him even if he refused to let that show. 

He felt like glass was trying to make its way down his throat, he wanted to cry or throw something or break a mirror but he just stayed there whispering calming words as he comforted the trembling man in his arms. 

"I'm sorry." Alex finally whispered, his throat was obviously ragged from sobs. 

"What for?" 

Alex sat up, he looked like he had murdered someone by the way his face was screwed up. Or like he was swallowing nails. Pain and guilt were etched on his features. He was choosing his words very carefully it seemed because it took him a solid minute to respond. 

But when he did they came out fast, a flurry of guilt and sadness and emotion as he spilled from his mouth like his lips were a dam he was holding words in. 

"I'm sorry I kissed you. It was fucked up of me I-" Alex's breathing got heavy again, "listen man.. I fucked up.. I know I freaked you out. J-Just- Fuck- I really fucking like you and it feels like its tearing me apart and I shouldn't have let that come in the way of us being f-" 

Alex's words got cut off because as if some other force has taken over Ryland grabbed his face and slammed their lips together. He heard Alex let out a surprised yelp but he soon realized what was happening and they were kissing- More passionately than the first time, this time there was no confusion no hesitation just pure sadness and emotion locking their lips in a battle to connect and be closer. 

Everything else washed away and Ryland could feel his heart racing and his face flushing a bright red. They were interrupted again though, this time it was Alex pulling away. Ryland opened his eyes to meet Alex's, but whereas Ryland's eyes were clear Alex was crying again. 

He reached up, covering his mouth with one hand and clutching at his chest with the other as if he was in so much pain he wanted to rip his heart out of his body. 

"I-I'm sorry- I-I don't know- why I'm-" hiccup "-I'm like this I'm sorry I-" 

"Alex." Ryland let out a concerned breathy word. 

Alex was choking now and Ryland felt like he couldn't breath. Was this what was getting Alex so fucked up? Was this the cause of his more than usual excessive drinking? 

"Alex-" He repeated with more force. 

Alex looked up at him and only mildly flinched back as Ryland reached over to cup his face in his hands. Alex was hot and sticky with tears but he needed Alex to look at him. Ryland closed his eyes and swallowed down hard, his throat felt like it had sandpaper stuck in it but he forced his words out nonetheless.

"I want this- I want *you*. And even if I didn't do you think I would hate you for who you love? Like.. Have you met Lorenzo and how weird he is about his sexuality. Come on dude.." Ryland gave him a small smile which Alex returned with a shaky smile. Ryland let his hand drop back down to his side.

"Lorenzo doesn't ha-have a crush on you." Alex's voice was still shaking but it was easy to tell he was calming down. 

"Debatable. But like I said- I want you too. I- Alex I pushed you away because I felt like you- Fuck I don't know. Like you had found out somehow and were doing it out of pity, or because you were drunk." 

He looked at Alex, who's tear filled eyes were softening with concern. Alex reached over and grabbed Rylands hand, holding it tightly it was pretty obvious he was desperate for touch right now so Ryland laced his fingers into his. 

"Buddy, I don't pity you- I'm glad you told me but fuck dude- I've been in love with you for years." 

Rylands heart was racing as he stared as their hands that were interlaced. He felt so sick and vulnerable as he spoke and was comforted. How did Alex do this? Lay it all out on the table all the time. Weaponized sharing- He never kept secrets. Or so Ryland had thought, because apparently Alex had been in love with Ryland, who had been in love with Alex in return, for years, without either of them saying shit.

What a fucked up scenario they were in. 

"Why didn't you say anything?" Ryland questioned finally. 

"Well- there are a lot of reasons to be honest. I didn't want to ruin our friendship for one. And honestly dude.. I kind of fucking hate myself for this." 

Ryland looked back up at Alex who was looking away now, staring at a spot in the distance but staring at nothing at all. 

"What do you mean? You love gay people, you talk about pride stuff all the time like I've never seen a straight guy keep up with pride news as m- oh... Ohhhhh." 

"Yeah. I'm fine with- Happy for- gay people, Ry. But my dad hasn't called me back since I tried to come out to him. 

"Fuck him then, fuck anyone who made you dislike yourself. Fuck, Alex." 

Alex hardly ever fake smiled but it was plain to see this was one of those times. Ryland had never seen Alex so tired- so worn down and sad. It was heartbreaking but it was all the more reason to keep this going. Alex was always there for him, and he hardly ever got to be there for Alex, and now all walls were broken down and they were both being real. 

"Alex, I want to be with you. If you want that I do too- you aren't ruining anything you aren't wrong for any of this. I want this too." 

He looked back over from the spot he was fixated on and gave Ryland a weak smile, his eyes heavy with exhaustion. Ryland opened his arms wide and Alex readily flopped into his arms and leaned against his chest for support. 

"We can do this- Baby steps." 

"Yeah, baby steps."


End file.
